SEASONS

Historically, October and I have had a complicated relationship.

Charles Dickens summed it up best- “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

In no other month out of the year do my emotional and mental bodies shift like they do in the autumn defining month of October. And interestingly, October just happens to be the month my soul entered human form.

As a kid, I remember raking the newly fallen red, gold, and orange leaves, making the piles and then making the run for the ultimate jump-fun times! Smelling those leaves, the scent of fall itself, was nature’s perfume, signaling the onset of Halloween, pumpkins, apple fritters…. all the lead-ins to the holiday season, that would usher us into the next year. No other time could be sweeter for a kid that included the 2 week Christmas break from school, that came after a birthday celebration, Thanksgiving, and Christmas Eve gift giving.

Then something changed. Puberty arrived and I was no longer that same kid jumping in the crunchy, spicy leaves accompanied by a goofy grin on my face. I was now an adolescent, who no longer enjoyed lying in the leaves-they were itchy and buggy and got all in my hair and I didn’t have time for it anyway. I had outgrown my beloved trick or treating evenings, now too old to dress up, so there went that. I found little pleasure in dishing out the candy. What really got me down though, was the down itself-Depression.

I have no doubt that the hormonal floodwaters within me, combined with the witnessing of the tree leaves “dying” as they floated to the ground, contributed to a battle that lasted for a very long time, well into adulthood. I could feel it creeping in, as soon I saw the fall merchandise…. the pumpkins and Halloween costumes…. along with the removal of summer clothing and the prominent display of boots, sweaters and jackets when it was still 80-some degrees outside. I wanted to scream. It wasn’t coherent, and these indicators served as an omen of what I knew was coming.

I really do think that my Seasonal Affective Disorder, or “S.A.D.” (appropriately named) started in my teenage years, and I’ve gone back and forth pondering its emergence-was it the chicken or the egg-or maybe both, that created such an awful soup of darkness and adolescent angst. I have a standout memory on my 14th birthday of looking down through the plastic top at my birthday cake, still in the box, that was sitting on a table in the dining room, under our wall-mounted telephone. Decorated on my cake was a picture of a girl in roller skates, and all I wanted to do was cry. I just remember feeling so very very sad and depressed and not wanting to be there. I’m sure for the cake-cutting or family gathering if I had one, I pretended everything was fine, but I was far from being ok.

I couldn’t shake this monster, this uninvited party crasher who loved to show up in what was supposed to be MY month.

But somewhere along the way, things began to change once again….

I started noticing that I no longer felt the intense dread of what was to come when I saw those pumpkins and the snow boots now replacing the sandals in the stores, nor did my eyes fill with tears when the first gold-tinged leaves began their descent. I’m not sure why my seasonal depression began to lift, but it did. I do suspect that falling back in love with nature through my forest therapy training had a great deal to do with it, of which I am immeasurably grateful.

I made a point of declaring that I would celebrate my birthday every year, whether I traveled or not, and I’ve had some amazing experiences as a result. Last year it was a meal at a local gourmet restaurant I had yet to visit, and a few years ago, I marked off a major bucket list item of experiencing hang gliding. I’ve spoken with too many people that would rather erase their special day entirely than to embrace it, and the idea of celebrating their birthday is incomprehensible. My response is always- “There will never be another you in this lifetime!”

Knowing what I learned in my nature training about the process trees go through during seasonal shifts-about the “fall” of leaves, it gives me great comfort to know that if it was not for this rest period of sleep, then the trees would never be able to continue their abundant cycle of life-they would die. What looks like death is an illusion. And for those last remaining leaves that like to hang on to the limbs? Well, “Mama” tree gently pushes them off by releasing a certain chemical, allowing the “children” to finally release. To let go.

Funny how things change. I’ve experienced a reversal. Now, for a girl who used to love summer with ardor, I’m now beginning to dread spring a bit because I know what’s coming-the extreme heat and humidity that feel unbearable on some days. I’m now longing for the cooler temps and crisper air. I’m longing for October once again.

I’m tasked with finding neutrality and acceptance with all seasons. And I never imagined I would feel the way I feel now.

We all change and grow-it’s unstoppable.

It’s not uncommon to reflect on a past chapter in your life and question your choices or paths taken…. “Who was I then?!” or “What was I thinking?!”

You were in a different season.

We move, we grow, we expand, we veer, we love, and we change-especially if we are seeking to do so.

No, you’re not the same person you were.

Love and embrace all the Seasons-they are what got you here.

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt, and perhaps it says, “Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”
—Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Step through your seasonal portals, chin up, with grace, and don’t forget to notice your uniqueness and awesomeness. And occasionally ask yourself, “What season am I in?”

A few months ago I opened up a fortune cookie and guess what it said?

“Your dreams will come true in October.”

They already have.

Please take a 3 and a half minute break to just sit and watch the beautiful film clip below-notice the colors, the movements, the openings and closings, the light and the dark, and the grandeur of it all. You are looking at yourself, my friend.

Til next we meet in the forest….

Love,

Amanda♥️